So, the Plain Dealer is freaking the fuck out. It was bound to happen. Like many major dailies across the country, they are seeing their bloated business model crash faster than Dunkin Donuts stock the day Jimmy Dimora is indicted. It’s making them so anxious, they have begun to turn into the journalistic equivalent of cannibals; Connie Schultz—a Pulitzer Prize winner—wants to bend the First Amendment. Her plan to lock content onto the Plain Dealer website for 24 hours (and charge for same content) has been debated across the country, but would have made a bigger impact if it wasn’t so obvious that her motivation stems from a personal animosity—and total misunderstanding—of blogs.

No doubt, it’s time for drastic action. Paper’s gonna fold if something isn’t done. Contrary to what they may believe, nobody around here really wants to see that happen. As Kenny Rogers once said, “Baby I’m-a-want you. Baby I’m-a-need you.”

But Connie’s solution just sucks (no offense, Connie, I’m a big fan). Really.

If you want to save yourself, here’s 10 sure-fire ways to do just that. These are drastic changes. But they are also changes that will give the Plain Dealer some positive spin in the national news, and perhaps the rest of the country will follow Cleveland’s lead for once.

1.Stop buying and printing national and international news. Newsflash: since around 1995, we have gotten our national and international news from CNN, FoxNews, MSNBC, The New Yorker, The Washington Post, and Drudge. By the time we read it in the Plain Dealer, it’s already a day old. Your front lead should always be local news or sports or some dude caught jacking off in a local library.

2.Stop charging for your printed edition. Your ads should cover the cost of your print edition. If it doesn’t you’re either: A, paying writers too much or B, not doing it right.

3.Stop home delivery. Thanks, but we have computers, now. However, we might want to handle a hard copy while we eat lunch, so keep the boxes. But make them free boxes.

4.Stop paying your writers so much. You were paying Sam Fullwood six figures! What the eff? Reporters are tradesmen. Pay as such. None of your writers deserve more than $70,000 a year. News editors, either.

5.Stop being afraid of black people. Is there anything on the East side of Cleveland besides the Cleveland Clinic? We don’t know, because your reporters don’t go to E. 55th anymore. Remember, they’re just as scared of you as you are of them. Start covering the East side again.

6.Stop trying to understand web content. You’re just embarrassing yourself. Hire 5 kids out of Kent State’s film & video department. Give them $100,000 and don’t cringe when they use most of it for weed. They will give you the best original online content in town in less than a month.

7.Stop it with all the conflicts of interest. The fuck are you doing in bed with Sam Miller and the Cleveland Clinic?!? Bad, Plain Dealer! Bad!

8.Stop putting writers where they don’t belong. Your newsroom is back-asswards! Here. Listen. Get Tobin writing again. Bump Naymik up to managing editor. Put Dissell on politics. Get Diadian on obits and replace him with Roldo. Seriously, do you know what a reader rep is supposed to do? Represent the readers! Not be an apologist for your paper. Also, he shouldn’t be a douche. One more thing, put Rosenberg back on the orchestra, damn it.

9.Stop blowing local politicians. They should be afraid of you (and they are). Not the other way around. Letting Bill Mason demand a meeting to discuss your coverage of him—and then dismissing the writer who wrote the piece? For shame!

10.Stop telling us how much we’d miss you when you’re gone. Instead, put together a giant pig roast—for free—downtown. Get Michael Stanley to play on stage. We’ll love you forever.